Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang onThey’ve lost all of their faith in loveThey've done all they can to make it right againStill it's not enough... There is hope for the helpless Rest for the weary Love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, Mercy and healing. He'll meet you wherever you are . Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus...

Most of you have shared parts of my journey over the last 18 years and I need to take the time to sit down and think about the significance of this weekend and the easiest way for me to do that is through writing my feelings out, so here goes… I’m not writing to anyone in particular… Just trying to get deeper in my own soul but wanted to share that with you as well… To be real and honest…

Monday is the 13th anniversary of our wedding. One year ago this weekend we were in Gatlinburg TN at the Hippensteel Inn trying to work through the mess of affair #3 and the chaos of a 3 week old baby boy at home. I think back on that weekend and remember how scared I was and I wondered how this could really be my life… How could this person who I shared my life with be so manipulative, deceitful and distant. How could we raise these 3 beautiful children that we brought into this world in this sham of a life? I remember the ride down there was a 4 hour quiet painful ride. We listened to the radio most of the way and I remember at times I would just sob as I tried to make sense of it all… I know it was probably all of the hormones from my post partum that were surfacing during that time too and I just felt like I went into survival mode. I remember telling Brian I couldn’t do this alone, I wouldn’t do it alone and I could make it through any of these emotions if he would just promise he would stay…

As I type that out now, it makes me so angry… No wonder he didn’t respect me... I didn’t respect myself! Who asks someone to stay and not leave them when they clearly have violated any trust that remained after a third affair (even if I thought it was the second at that point)??? He saw how that changed me, how it destroyed me the first time in our first year of marriage and how much time and energy it took to get us back on any type of path for a future. How much effort it took for me to believe anything that came out of his mouth, any night he had to work over, any time he travelled for work… We didn’t even have children to consider then. The reasons I stayed back then were because I wanted to believe it was just a hiccup… That I was a better person than that and a forgiving person and I wasn’t going to be divorced at age 24. If I had only been mature enough to see that my actions at that age set our lives up for failure… I should have been angry and thrown him out. I should have walked away and let him pursue restoring our marriage if that was what he wanted… I shouldn’t have been the “team player” and try to pull everything back together as I always had and I should have dealt with the betrayal instead of just pushing it down and moving forward…

I became a shell of the person I once was, of the woman he fell in love with… I lost all of my confidence and my personality. I lost that free, spontaneous spirit to become someone else… Someone who had to control everything and work on the appearance of everything, instead of being real. It was a time in my life where I didn’t care who I was, I wanted to be who he needed and wanted me to be… I felt responsible for his affair… That I hadn’t been a good enough wife or partner or he wouldn’t have been tempted… He wouldn’t have given in…

When the truth is, looking back, there were many times I saw his flirtatious nature (that will never change) during our 6 years of dating in high school and college… But now I’ve seen my own as well… I had a commitment to Brian, but I was always dancing with fire… It was almost as if we knew we could be together and get married, but just wanted to test the waters to make sure there wasn’t a better fish out there… I clearly wasn’t perfect when we dated, I deceived him as well by talking to other guys late at night when I wasn’t with him… Some times it was friends that we had just spent the evening with, who were telling me I was too good for Brian, deserved much better… I even almost kissed his roommate one day when we were walking back from class and talking… The month before our wedding, I almost backed out because a co-worker in Tennessee asked me not to marry him… To stay in Tennessee so we could figure things out… He was 6 years older, had a financee and a child from a previous girlfriend… It was just too messy to give up what was safe, easy. I never physically cheated on Brian, but emotionally I had many connections along the way where I could’ve taken a different path. I had serious feelings for 4 different guys during my dating years with Brian, all of whom I could have had a different life with, some of who I’ve re-connected with since my divorce… I chose Brian because he was safe… He would be a good father, a good husband… He grew up 5 minutes from my home and I loved his family. It would be an easy relationship because both of our families were here in Indiana and grandparents, holidays, etc… All of that would be convenient and easy… I don’t think I could have been more wrong in my delusions of how easy it would be. We probably would have had a better chance at a “normal” life had we moved away from our families and friends and built a life together from the ground up… A life without the influence of mother-in-laws and father-in-laws and the pressures of trying to find a job and build a life together.

I guess all of this writing is just to sum up that I this weekend, I know I can be a real person once again… I have done a lot of digging to get my true self back… And I had to face some pretty brutal honesty about myself and the decisions I made that brought us to places in our journey as well. I have seen my own shortcomings and I am honest about my own dishonesty, and I can be more forgiving of his…

On this first year of my “non-anniversary” I am thankful that I am 36 years old, that I am learning who I am again, that I am a better mother because I take time to recharge every other weekend and I can give my full attention to my boys when I have them. I am thankful that this empty shell is filling back up with life and personality and spontaneity once again, that I can make decisions based on what I want and don’t want, and not out of fear or obligation. Thankful that I can create something new and beautiful out of these ashes and make wiser decisions and listen with a new understanding of myself and what direction I want to go in the future… The future is wide open now…. Not dark and painful as it was one year ago… I am making it on my own, even though I never wanted to take that journey, and it gets lonely some times… But I am thankful to have a second chance at an amazing life…

Thanks for sharing it with me!!!

So turn around you're not too far to back away, be who you are, to change your path go another way. It's not too late you can be saved. If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights hope to forgets can disappear. They can all be washed away by the one who's strong, can right your wrongs, can rid your fears, dry all your tears and change the way you look at this big world. He will take your dark distorted view and with his light He will show you truth and again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl. ~Johnny Diaz

Thank you Lord that you never close the door on us. You are there waiting on us to reach for you, to just cry out that we can't do it alone and we need You. When we choose to go down a path that is not Your will, You care for us and You call to us to come back home. I know in my imperfections I fail you daily and you pick me up and dust me off and set me back on the path again. I want to stay on the path and not stumble so often, Lord. Guide my steps and provide firm footing for each leap I take. Carry me and my children through the places that are just too wide for us to cross and protect us along this journey. Keep calling to me so I can know the voice of my Lord and follow you. Make Yourself visible to my boys in their everyday life. Let them see you and know you are with us and providing each step of the way. Help me to see life through their eyes and guide me to be what they need from me each day. Help me to raise them with a full knowledge of your Grace and Love.

I will live to carry Your compassion to love a world that's broken...

I will live to carry Your compassion to love a world that's broken, to be Your hands and feet. I will give with the life that I've been given, and go beyond religion, to see the world be changed by the power of Your name. Your name is a shelter for the hurting. Jesus Your name is a refuge for the weak. Only Your name can redeem the undeserving. Jesus Your name holds everything I need ~Lincoln Brewster

May my life be used for You Lord and Your purposes... Even when I stumble, may you be glorified in my recovery... Please use this trial to help others who are hurting too Lord... May they be drawn closer to you because of something they've seen in me and my pain... I know that none of this will be wasted and you will use every last drop of it for your good (Romans 8:28). Help me to use the words You've given me and to share freely my heart with those I come in contact with. Speak through me and use me Lord. I am nothing without you...

I know the scripture, I've known the songs.

I know the scripture, I've known the songs. I sang the words from my hollowed heart, but You've spoken softly through the storm. I've heard Your voice and I've felt the calm. I stand only because You've given me faith to walk, only because You carried me. You carried me through it all. And I believe, Yes I believe, You'll carry me all the way home cause mercy covers all... ~Building 429

Lord, since I was a small child, I have known you were with me always, but these last few months have proven Your constant care for me. I feel a peace that can only be explained by Your Grace and Mercy. Through all of the heartache and flames of a life turned upside down, You have carried me to a safe place and held me close. Thank you Jesus for being who You say You are... The Great Comforter, my shelter from the storms...

O Lord, come back to us!

O Lord, come back to us! How long will you delay? Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, your servants, see you work again; let our children see your glory. And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful. ~Psalms 90:13~17

I trust you Lord that your promises are true and you will weave happiness and joy into my tapestry along with my trials and tears... Make my life beautiful in your sight...

Why are you striving these days?

Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, tell me where will you run? To where will you run? ~Tenth Avenue North

Such a great reminder to me these days... Trying to just keep my eyes on Him and letting Jesus put all of these pieces together, the missing ones I can't find and broken ones just don't fit when I try... I'm thankful Lord that You know what the big picture looks like and for restoring and placing the pieces that just don't make sense to me anymore.

Cries of my heart through a journey like no other...

I've never blogged before, but so many people have told me to keep a journal through this time in my life. I am horrible at sitting down and writing in a journal, but I can freely type my feelings, so here goes... After spending 18 years of my life with the man I married, I find myself single, raising three young boys and broken. I never thought my live would take this turn and I never wanted to be in this place, but here I am. Although I am broken, I am held together by my Savior's loving arms. I may have lost a husband, but I am still His bride. This blog is where I hope to post the cries of my heart along the way and to watch how the Lord takes these broken peices and creates a masterpiece. Thanks for coming along this journey with me.